


Detox Just to Retox

by LookAlive_DeadEyes



Series: I'll Keep On Fighting Just to Make You Believe [2]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anorexia, EDNOS, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Purging, binge eating, joshler can also be read as platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-11 23:54:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17456675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LookAlive_DeadEyes/pseuds/LookAlive_DeadEyes
Summary: Josh was the last one to arrive. Tyler jumped up once he saw Josh and ran to hug him. Burying his face in Josh’s neck, Tyler mumbled out, “you’re the best to hug. So squishy and soft and snuggly.”Josh forced out a chuckle, but Tyler could feel him flinch. “Alright, lovebirds, break it up. We’ve got some soccer moms to terrify!” Brendon called, clapping Josh on the shoulder. Josh stepped away from Tyler and gave Brendon a light shove.or, Josh spirals downwards and no one knows.





	Detox Just to Retox

**Author's Note:**

> title credit: disloyal order of water buffaloes by fall out boy
> 
> NOTE: the intro to this is called I'll Keep on Fighting Just to Make You Believe and is the first work in this series. it just gives some background on the characters if you want that

It was April. It was a beautiful spring day, the warm and breezy cliche everyone secretly enjoyed. It was a beautiful, happy day, but Josh’s finger was hovering over his phone’s keyboard. Pressing down, searching this - he would enter a whole new level of fucked-upedness. Was he ready for that? Josh swallowed the lump in his throat. He didn’t know why he making such a big deal about this - he was being healthy. Obviously.

Seven letters typed in. One warning ignored. A total of eight taps on his phone. Eight taps had unknowingly plunged Josh further into the depths of battle, a war that he would fight from the inside out for the rest of his life - if it wasn’t cut short by that very fight.

It was April, a few days later when Josh went to go hang out with some friends. They had all been stressed out because of school and needed to decompress, so they decided to meet up at the mall.

Josh was the last one to arrive. _stupid, stupid, late, they’re going to be so mad at you._ Tyler jumped up once he saw Josh and ran to hug him. Burying his face in Josh’s neck, Tyler mumbled out, “you’re the best to hug. So squishy and soft and snuggly.” 

Josh forced out a chuckle, but Tyler could feel him flinch. “Alright, lovebirds, break it up. We’ve got some soccer moms to terrify!” Brendon called, clapping Josh on the shoulder. Josh stepped away from Tyler and gave Brendon a light shove. 

“Says you - I’m pretty sure you and Ryan have fucked in at least half of the dressing rooms in this place.”

Brendon nodded and Ryan blushed a violent red. “Fair.”

The group’s banter continued as they meandered through the mall, but Josh couldn't get into it. His mind was replaying Tyler’s comment over and over in his head. Was he honestly that fat? Did his chub just sort of make him a fleshy body pillow? 

Josh broke his intense eye contact with the floor tiles to find Andy staring at him with a quizzical expression. Taking a few steps closer to Josh, Andy mouthed a quick ‘you okay?’ Josh forced a smile and waved a hand dismissively. ‘All good,’ he mouthed. Andy’s expression didn’t quite relax, but he didn’t push it further as he continued to joke around with Joe.

Josh managed to quiet his head and fell back into the groove of playful teasing and conversation. It was all fun, goofing around in Hot Topic - “My face will be on a shirt in here someday. I know it.” Brendon had yelled. - and running up the down escalators. It was all fun until they decided to grab lunch at the food court. 

_don’t eat, don’t eat, don’t do it you pig_

Josh ate three tacos from the mall Taco Bell and hated himself more with every bite.

It was April and Josh made another sideblog on tumblr and made a sick vow to himself that he would never get called ‘squishy’ again.

It was May and the bags under Josh’s eyes grew, as did the sizes of his clothes. More and more insecure by the day, Josh was trading in his tight leather jackets and form fitting skinny jeans for baggy flannels and looser jeans than he had worn since seventh grade. No one noticed.

It was May and Josh was hungry, so fucking hungry. He was swinging back and forth from _empty, perfect, good job, you’re doing so well, perfect_ and _food food foodfoodeateat n ow you need food this is dumb forget it foodeat._ He knew he shouldn’t, he knew that it wasn’t healthy, he was doing so well by being healthy, this would just be another step back. His unheathy eating was the problem, he can’t go back to being unhealthy. He couldn’t go back but he was going downstairs and opning the pantry and grabbing a fistful of the chocolate his mom always liked to snack on and some of the snack bags of chips that usually get brought to school by him and his siblings. He brought the load of food up to his room and went back down to grab three slices of cold pizza - leftovers - and a bottle of coke _goodgood diet at least it’s diet_. 

He brought everything up to his room and started eating _nonono why are you doing this you fuck up disgusting fat worthless_. He started with the pizza, thinking nothing but _285, 285, 285_ on repeat. He finished and moved on to the rest, hating himself more with every single bite.

It was who knows how many minutes later when he was done. He felt disgusting, and his stomach was killing him. Fuck, he couldn’t believe himself, how could he have done that? _disgusting fat worthless can’t you see how much you fucked up?_ He could feel every once of fat clinging to him, sticking to every limb. He hated himself. He vowed never to do that again.

It was June and Josh had binged twice more, and when he wasn’t binging, he was starving. He had also started keeping a food journal - track every calories, writing down ways to avoid eating, ways to keep himself motivated. 

It may have looked sick, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t sick, he was healthyhealthy being healthy and being _good._

It was July and Josh had been doing well, so well, but not good enough. He had gone from 158 to 137 which was an okay start, Josh knew, but not nearly enough. His goal was 120, and he knew it technically wasn’t the healthiest, but he didn’t even care. He just wanted to get this disgusting _fat_ off him.

It was August and Josh ran on his dad’s treadmill until his legs felt like jelly and he could hardly stand and then he did a random “ana workout” he saw on tumblr but he wasn’t anorexic, if anything, he had a problem with eating too much.

He binged once that month.

It was September and the glory of “back to school.” This time, he and his friends were sophomores. Everyone met up in the gym before the homeroom bell on the first day.

“What’s up motherfuckers!” Brendon yelled out, striding to the bleachers where everyone was sitting. A few nearby freshmen all but gaped at him. Ryan was trailing behind him, chuckling. 

“Don’t scare the freshies, Bren. Maybe save the f-bombs for the second day?” 

Brendon rolled his eyes. “I swore like a regular sailer when I was their age. They’ll deal with it.” He scanned the group already there - Tyler, Josh, Patrick, and Andy. “Ten bucks says Pete and Joe will be late.”

“No one’s gonna take you up on the bet because we all know it’s true,” Andy pointed out. Tyler and Patrick nodded in agreement. Josh was too busy googling the calories in the new brand of gum he had bought that morning to pay attention.

_shouldn’t have bought that, dummy, it probably has dozens of calories in a single stick. You idiot, can’t you see you’re just a pile of lard? It’s a wonder any of them don’t hate being seen with you in public_

Tyler nudges his shoulder and Josh looked up. “Yeah?”

“You good, man?” Tyler asked, eyebrows furrowing. “We’ve tried to get your attention but you haven’t responded at all.”

 _fuck._ “Yeah, sorry. Just spaced out for a second. Didn’t get much sleep last night, y’know?” At least that part was true.

“First day jitters?” 

“Basically.” _if first day jitters meant hunching naked over a toilet bowl, puking your guts out, and crying, then sure._ Their conversation was interrupted as Pete came barreling through the gym doors. 

“Bow down, my royal subjects. It is I, Lord of the Cafeteria Rolls, back for yet another year.” He dramatically bowed as some of the other people in their grade clapped and hooted. Joe came in right after Pete, rolling his eyes. Both of the boys made their way over to the group. It would certainly be an interesting year, that was for sure.

It was September and Tyler hugged Josh one day and frowned. “You’re so boney now, not as cozy,” he whined.

Josh smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed =] this is all written from my own experience with an ED. feel free to leave a comment telling me what you think or say hi on tumblr @ toastingtotheghosts


End file.
